It’s hard to be a good parent if you don’t understand children.

You need to be able to answer the question “what” if you are going to be to answer the question “how.” You know the Bible verses on parenting, but do you know kids? Before we think about what we are going to do with our children we need to make sure we know who are children actually are. Biblical parenting requires understanding the implications of a biblical anthropology for the way you relate to children. We need to make sure we are not thinking about our children the way the world has taught us to think, but instead the way the Bible reveals that they are actually are.

Doing that takes a little bit of work because you have been taught wrong ideas for so long. From the moment your born, the world is seeking to disciple you. It is teaching you a way of thinking about what it means to be a human that is very different from what the Scripture teaches. Almost every time we sat down to watch a movie, pick up a book, listened to a teacher, we were being told something about how humans work, what humans are for, what is wrong with us as humans. We’ve heard these ideas for so long we don’t always realize how far what we are hearing deviates from Scripture. They feel normal to us. It just seems like the way things are. If we do begin to ask questions, we face pressure. The world doesn’t want you to think differently. That is a problem because the way the world thinks about children often is wrong. It’s not true. It’s not helpful. It is damaging.

One place we might begin is at the beginning. We are familiar with Genesis 1 and 2, but what we learn about being a human there is pretty radical. Starting with the fact that to be a human is to be created. As someone has said, there are only two kinds of things in the world - there is a Creator and there is creation. The Creator is not created and what is created is not the Creator. There is God and there is not God. Humans are in the not God category. While that may seem obvious, you actually have to teach your children that. They come out of the womb wanting to make the world revolve around them. Sometimes that might seem cute, sometimes it feels challenging. But either way it is a problem, because the world was not designed to revolve around them. As long as they are seeking to find ways to use people and things as instruments for their pleasure and glory, they are living against the flow of God’s design for the universe. They themselves are an instrument that is intended for God’s glory. Understanding that and embracing that will enable them to live according to their design. If they don’t, they will be frustrated and disappointed. While the world tries to persuade them into thinking of themselves as basically unlimited and infinite, they are actually finite. They can’t do everything. They are meant to do everything. They will have to make choices. There is only one infinite God and that is not who they were created to be. They were created to be something glorious however. To be a human is to be a unique creation. Although we are not God, we are not in the exact same category as the rest of creation either. Read Genesis 1 and you’ll see it has a rhythm. It is taking us somewhere. It follows a pretty basic pattern until Moses starts talking about God’s creation of man and woman. At that point, He shows us God talking to Himself and talking in poetry. You might say it is a way of God saying, look here, I’m about to show you something really special and important. Before God creates man, He explains man and when He does, He talks about man being made in God's image. This is obviously very significant. We are different than God. But there’s something about man that reflects God. Your child is not just another animal. Of course, we shouldn't have to we shouldn't have to say that to parents but we actually do. The world is either trying to persuade us that our children are little gods or they are little animals. But no! That’s not true. An animal is a wonderful thing, but humans have dominion over animals. It’s good for people to care for animals but something is strange when people care for animals more than children. You know something is going wrong in our society when a child is equal to an animal. A child is not an animal. A child is someone made in the image of God and that by itself is a privilege. It means whether your child is picking his nose or going to the bathroom in its pants, they are actually someone glorious. It is a big thing to be a human being, and it is a big thing to have a human being you are responsible for. This is not like being responsible for a pet ferret. This is someone who was made in God’s image with a great purpose. Your child doesn't need to go to Harvard to be significant. Your child doesn't need to drive a BMW to have worth. There is a tremendous glory in just being a human. Humans were designed to be a representative of God. We’re reflectors. God made humans so that we could serve Him by managing things in this world in a way that reflects His character. Your children can either reflect the glory of God and make God look beautiful or they can do the opposite and make God look ugly. This of course is a wonderful opportunity. But, there's a tremendous responsibility as well. Cats and dogs won’t be held accountable. Humans are. One day our children are going to stand before God. Their life goes way beyond this life. Your child is going to live forever, and God clearly cares about the way in which they used the time they were given here on this earth. They are going to be evaluated, and they need to know it. They need to understand who they are and who they are not and why they are and why the choices they make are so important, which of course is part of why God gave them parents.

God created man good and glorious, but man rebelled against God and broke this world in which we live. This is another reality that has some pretty big implications for parenting as well. If we are going to help our children it's vital we're not naive about the human condition. Naive is probably too nice a word naive actually. Naive means simple or trusting fooled. Deceived would be better. It’s important we're not believing lies about what our children are like as human beings. Our children are born foolish sinners. The Bible talks about the consequences of Adam’s sin repeatedly. David says, in sin my mother conceived me. The writer of Proverbs says foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child. Paul makes clear there is no one who does good. This means, your children come into the world broken. When you hold your baby in your arms you are looking down at someone who is glorious, but also someone who is spiritually dead. Does that sound too strong? Jesus who is compassionate and merciful, the kind of Savior who seeks sinners, was very straight up about what people are like. In Matthew he describes what people are like. He says, “If you being evil…” That’s an intense statement. But vital to know. Later when he talks about the Pharisees, he says this is really the problem with the way you are trying to do religion. You think fixing the outside is going to be enough, but where does immorality, adultery, theft, all this stuff come from? It comes from the inside. What is really messing you up is not what you eat, it’s actually who you are. There's something wrong with your nature. I think it was RC Sproul who once explained, we are not sinful because we sin, but rather we sin because we are sinful. The activity of sin flows of out our sinful nature. We are born with a basic disposition toward sin rather than toward righteousness. While your children don’t come out as bad as they could be, they do come out pretty bad. They are able to do things that externally look good, but they can’t do anything that is truly good from the heart. Sin has affected every area of your child’s life. Jesus uses an image to describe what we're like. It's a word that most of us would hate. It's the word slave. He says, “Truly truly I say to you everyone who commits sin is a slave to sin" which isn't a way we like to think about ourselves or our children but it's important that we're not living in a fairy tale world.

If we're going to help our children we have to actually see the real problem. Seeing the real problem is clarifying because it points you to an actual solution. What do your children need most? They need a supernatural miracle and you need to lovingly and graciously look for opportunities to help them appreciate that. If you don’t, who will? Left to themselves, they will either be delusional and think they are much better than they are or they will be depressed, because they so desperately want to be more than they are and life keeps showing them they are not what they wish they were. As parents, we need to encourage them by looking at what it means to be a human pre-fall, and we need to help them by being honest about the reality of being a human post fall. While, they are not uniquely sinful, they are most certainly sinners who need a Savior. Seeing that at first may seem like bad news, but it is good news. There are many people who don’t and Jesus only came for those who do. Our children won’t be saved unless they know they need saving and you are not helping them if you don’t recognize that about them yourself. Do you?

It's tempting to think of our children as pretty good and capable. When we see them doing something wrong, it’s tempting to think of their actions as being the primary problem, while ignoring the source of those actions. It’s also dangerous. If you don't get to the source of the problem, you are not going to solve the problem. To put it bluntly, if your child does not experience a supernatural miracle in their life, they are not going to be saved and if you are hoping in your parenting skills, you are likely going to end up disappointed. You can dress them up, manipulate them into doing what you want, but it will only be a matter of time until their flesh comes out and who they really are is exposed. I’ve sometimes thought of it like a fairy tale where somebody takes a magic potion to this beast and the magic potion sort of transforms the beast externally into a human, but underneath there's still that beast and it's only a matter of time until the magic potion wears off. If you're parenting and using all your little rules, but their heart has not been transformed, it is only a matter of time until that magic potion of parenting kind of wears off and the beast comes out. We must understand this about our children. They don’t simply need more information or guidelines or rules, they need a new heart. And if you aren't gently and lovingly helping them see that, you may unknowingly be making it more difficult for them to believe it.

It’s very easy for a child to grow up going to church and thinking they must be acceptable to God because they are nice to people or nice to their parents, while failing to see the pride and selfishness and lack of love in their hearts. But they need to see that, because God’s provided a solution to sinful hearts. Yet that solution is only going to be desirable to people who know they are actually sinners. That's why we talk to our children about these difficult realities. The goal as a parent is not simply to help your children see that they are sinful. You want them to see their sin so they can see their Savior. If you only tell them how broken they are but never tell them the solution there is for that brokenness, you are being cruel. When we talk about depravity and its implications for parenting, we're not talking about walking around all the time and telling your children, “You’re bad, you're bad. I can't believe how bad you are.” This is someone made in the image of God. This is someone who is precious. This is an eternal being. It's not your job to go around humiliating them. That was not how Jesus dealt with people. But what Jesus did do was seek to humble people in a gracious, kind and loving way so that they could know their need and embrace God’s solution. The goal is not just to make your child feel miserable. While, there’s a sense in which you want to to help them see that their sin is so much worse than they think it is, you also want to help them understand it's the normal human condition. They’re not the only ones who have who were came out of the womb that way. I know it may sound hard to point out their sin but think about what will happen if you don’t? If you don't help your children have a biblical anthropology, when they grow up they are going to know there is a problem, but it's going to get real confusing because they're going to think the problem must only be them and they're going to be looking to false solutions and not understanding why those solutions do not work. If our children don’t understand how sinful they are, it’s likely they will end up surprised by some of the stuff that's in their hearts and embarrassed and not want to talk about it. And that would be so sad, because it is in there and they can talk about it, because we’re sinners too and there’s hope for sinners, there is a Savior. When you talk to them about their sin, it’s almost like you're being tougher - the problem's worse than you think it is - in order to be more gracious.There's a better solution than just more rules and trying to be better. His name is Jesus. God had to come into human history and become man and send the Spirit of God for you to become who you long to be and you need to be and who God wants you to be.

Knowing what the Bible teaches about our children, that they are created, that they are created in the image of God, that they are broken sinners in need of a Savior, should humble us and make us more prayerful. Your child has a relationship with God. Your child is here for a purpose. Your child will not fulfill that purpose unless a miracles happens. In other words, what your child needs most you can’t do.

While you can't save your children, you can teach them what they need to know about God and you can teach them the gospel. God uses means for people to be saved. One of the means is godly examples who are communicating the gospel. So be a godly example and communicate the gospel! Beyond that God made this world to work a certain way. When you learn how the world works it can make your life better. If you don’t know how it works, it can make your life harder. The book of Proverbs says clearly our children are foolish but it also does say train up your child in the way he should go. So there's training involved. Even though we can't save them you train them up to be the wisest fools they can be and then the Lord can uses all those means to draw him to themself and change their nature and then you basically just set your child up to be that image bearer that God wants them to be that was distorted back in the Garden. You can help your children develop habits that are going to make it much easier when God saves them or if God saves them. Imagine you meet a person who is lazy and been trained in the habit of laziness. Then they become a Christian, but they've got years of lazy habits to overcome. It's going to be much harder for them to live as a Christian. You often see this very clearly demonstrated when you meet first generation Christians versus second generation Christians with good parents. I know, my life as a Christian has been much easier in many ways than my father's life as a Christian because my dad didn't come from a Christian family but I did. There are things he struggled with that I didn't have to struggle with not because I came out of the box better than he did but because of the way God sanctified my Dad. He used my father’s spiritual growth in my life so that when I became a Christian it was much easier for me. That’s part of what we're trying to do as we parent our children who are not converted. First, we're trying to point them to the gospel. Second, we're trying to give them examples. Third, we're trying to help them develop habits that are going to help them succeed if God does save them.