Gentleness Illustrated

Very often when you are dealing with issues with other people, one of the main issues not actually the issues you are dealing with, but the way in which you are dealing with those issues. It's very possible to be right and wrong at the same time, right about the problem and wrong about the way in which you are approaching the person about the problem.Paul for one, stresses the importance of gentleness when approaching someone else. Check out Galatians 6:1 and 2 Timothy 2. This is actually on my mind because we have come to Ephesians 4 on Sunday mornings where Paul describes walking in a manner worthy of the gospel as being humble, being gentle, being patient, bearing with others in love and eagerly maintaining unity.But what does it look like to be gentle in your approach to others? That's the question I have been considering. While we all know we are supposed to be gentle it sometimes can be hard to picture what it actually means to deal with someone in a gentle way?I found the following letter from Jack Miller in his book The Heart of a Servant Leader to be a fantastic illustration of what treating someone else with gentleness looks like. I thought I could post the letter and then share in between in bold print some of what I found so helpful."For whatever it is worth I would like to offer a few suggestions regarding the counseling of Jason. Bear patiently with my thoughts. Probably you were doing these things a long time ago."We already see gentleness in action. Did you catch it? Although Jack was the leader of the mission organization writing to someone who was in conflict, he is careful not to approach that person as if he didn't know anything or as if he hadn't studied the Scripture himself. He asks for patience and acknowledges that the person is trying to do what is right and may even have already been doing much of what he is about to write."First, in circumstances of high emotional intensity, I assume almost automatically that there have been some miscommunications and misapprehensions which need to be taken seriously. So I pray for wisdom to see what things may be heating up the situation unnecessarily and confusing communication. One of the things that almost always turns up is a feeling of rejection in the person being counseled in a conflict situation. The presence of this feeling may be warranted or unwarranted. But so long as it is there, it cripples communication. It just hinders the release of the Spirit to cleanse and heal the relationships.This feeling of rejection is often concentrated around the belief that ‘I am not being listened to.’"This is so good. Notice, he is not only thinking about what he is saying - he is also thinking about who he is saying it to. He's asking, what can I do to make knowledge acceptable. He understands that very often when you are dealing with an issue in someone's life they feel like they haven't been heard, and if they feel like they haven't been heard they are going to be very tempted not to hear what is being said to them."To overcome this feeling, I would suggest the following: more time in prayer with the person who feels left out; asking of questions that give the person opportunity to express the isolation; good, patient listening to put the fears of rejection to rest; and avoiding language and attitudes which foster any us versus them relationships."What does he suggest doing to deal with this feeling of not being listened to? Prayer with the person. Obvious? Not always. Often those who are dealing with conflict situations are problem solvers and so when they come to deal with a conflict they want to jump right in there and try to fix the problem. Maybe a quick prayer and then right into the issue. But what about just slowing down with the person you are confronting and getting on your knees together and coming to God together and saying, God we are confused about how to deal with this problem that has come up between us and we know that it would be very easy for us to make things worse and we are coming before you and just crying out to you together to help us love one another? What about extended periods of prayer together? Next, asking questions. Obvious? Again, not so much. Maybe we should add, asking good questions and listening to the answers. The problem with asking questions is that you might get answers however and the answers you get might be different than your preconceived notion of what is actually happening. Do you notice how he suggests patient listening? Listening involves a bit of personal suffering because it means you have to keep your mouth closed and many of us really like to hear ourselves talk. But how can we really deal with an issue between two people if we haven't heard what both those people have to say about it?"An example of how the Holy Spirit can work came up the other day in a conflict we are having with Robert. Peter was moderating the part of the meeting involving this alienated brother. He asked me ‘How do I handle it?’ My answer? ‘Ask him what weaknesses he sees in us that he believes are hindering him and his ministry.’ Peter did this with an attitude of real love and gentleness. The brother was willing to point out failings that he saw in us. His criticisms were quite helpful and had a good deal of truth in them. So we apologized for our failures and I said quite frankly that I saw myself as struggling in the area of sin he mentioned and needing his prayers. Ergo, we all relaxed and were able to get down to the core of the difference and now are making excellent progress. Up to this point the whole thing was tangled in a ball of twine including differences in theology, personality, and culture…"Can you imagine doing this? It is so difficult when you are dealing with a conflict with someone else to begin by asking them what it is that you have done wrong. I personally have no problem asking someone who is happy with me what my weaknesses are, but someone who is upset? They probably have a list. And what's worse, when I am coming to the conflict I sometimes am not nearly as concerned about what is wrong with me as what is wrong with the person I am confronting. This is a problem. What if God were using the conflict not only in the other person's life but also in my life? What if this was a moment for me to learn? Now, when we ask someone a question like this we have to be careful we really want to know the answer. Asking what your weaknesses are shouldn't be a manipulative trick to get the other person to ask you what you think their weaknesses are. This is where trusting God comes in and sometimes trusting God is incredibly difficult when you are dealing with a proud person. But remember there is a Holy Spirit and he's not you. He's able to work in that other person's life without you and that should free you up to learn what you need to learn from the conflict situation."So my suggestion is that you might want to ask Jason to point out areas where he believes that you have failed him or sinned against him. Hold on to your hat. It might be a bit rough… Then as to the heart of the matter – the issue of submission to authority – I’d suggest that you begin this issue with acknowledgement of your own lacks here…Then go for broke in this area and dig into the intensity of his reaction to authority in his life. See what comes out. But don’t forget to relate the authority issue to 1 Corinthians 13. People who love can submit. Frequently express your own love to him through the whole process of counseling."When being confronted about their sins, people often become insecure. It's so rare to be confronted about sin and usually people only do it when they are very angry. This is helpful to remember. You may be a secure person who doesn't mind confrontation and just loves having someone tell them they are doing something wrong, but realize most people aren't. They need you not only to love them in your heart but to let them know that you love them. Try this, look at them and say "I want you to know that I really appreciate you and love you." They can't see into your heart, they don't know what's there if you don't say it, and they will be tempted to imagine things are there that really aren't if you don't. Telling someone else besides your family you love them may feel awkward to you, but get over it. If you feel a responsibility to confront someone, be a big enough boy to tell them you love them at the same time. If you really want to use biblical language, try Paul. "I long for you with the affection of Christ Jesus." Now, that's intense."Finally, in counseling where the counselor has become a main part of the issue, you need to see that you have been . . . what? – outsmarted? Or at least outmaneuvered. I think so. It has happen to me before and I always felt I was beaten before I started. How to avoid this? Obviously express regrets wherever you have failed and express love frequently and do much to call attention to Christ as the Lord of counseling – not you. At the same time watch out for what I have often detected in myself – the assertion of my strong will coming out of a desire to dominate someone that I don’t really respect. Anytime I sense the love of Christ has left the counseling room, I have taken over with my imperial dominance and react inwardly to the counselee."Ouch. The assertion of my strong will coming out of a desire to dominate someone I don't really respect. Sometimes when we deal with other people, we really are like little children. We want our way and it bugs us the other person is getting in our way and so, it's not really about Jesus and what He wants, but instead it is about us getting what we want. Now, the problem is as adults and Christians we have learned to use religious language to cover over our selfishness. We can't say out loud, I just want what I want. So we cover that with "our deep concern for the good of the other person" and "really wanting the Lord's will in this situation." Sometimes we do want that, but let's be honest, sometimes that is not what the whole thing is about. It is our strong will coming out. This is why I think James says if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart don't boast and lie against the truth. It's like James is saying, come on man, if this is what is going on in your heart, why don't you just admit it instead of pretending to be all religious because it just makes things more confusing."I especially try to get in my head a positive view of the counselee, the person as Christ is going to remake him or her according to His grace. This positive image of the person as remade by Christ in the future is really important for praying. It’s almost impossible to pray effectively for a person if in fact you have no positive image of what Christ is going to do."Sometimes when I am really struggling with another person, I try to imagine Christ dying on the cross for that person. Here I am standing as it were beside Christ dying on the cross for the person that I can't stand at that moment. That's embarrassing for me, it's sad, and very convicting. How can I not love and care for someone that my Savior cares so much for? You might notice when you read Paul's letters how many different ways he describes Christians. He doesn't usually begin, Dear Corinthians, you are a bunch of rotten sinners. They were of course, but they weren't just that. He usually writes, Beloved or Chosen ones and when you are in a conflict with a Christian it is important for you to remember that they are more than a problem to you, they are loved by God. "What I do to defuse the relationship is to make it as low key as I can, especially avoiding anything that might be accusatory in tone. I am not called to be an accuser of the brethren, but a gentle restorer of the erring. Remember: Jason is an intense person, and so am I. I think perhaps each of you is also in your own way. So don’t let your intensity conflict with his intensity. Too much intensity binds up the expressions of love by making everyone self-aware. So relax a bit. Wherever you can, affirm him…And don’t lose your sense of humor while counseling, though it would be foolish to use lightness in a serious matter. Especially avoid trying to bear the burden of the thing as though you had to be the Holy Spirit changing another person."I have found in my life that sometimes I make conflict worse by taking myself way too seriously. What happens when I take myself too seriously is that I overreact and my overreaction doesn't fix the problem but makes it worse. When someone slanders me or someone attacks me, it is helpful for me to remind myself that I am barely a speck of dust and that the kingdom of God doesn't begin and end with me and that God is sovereign and able to work in this situation for good and that in a couple of weeks I will probably look at the situation a little differently. Sometimes the real reason we are so serious about the situation is because we really do think too much of our own importance.Conflicts are not only problems, they are opportunities. One of the ways conflicts with others are opportunities is that the way you respond to the conflict and relate to the other person reveals what you believe about God. Only someone who believes God is in control and God is good and God is wise is able to be truly gentle, not using gentleness as a manipulative trick, but sincerely laying aside one's own rights and actively seeking the good of the person you are dealing with.Finally, one of the proofs you are actively seeking the good of the person you are dealing with is not only the way you approach him in the conflict situation, but also how you deal with him afterwards. If you feel like you have the responsibility of confronting someone about their sin, if you really care for them, then you will also feel the responsibility for helping them succeed after you have confronted them about their sin.